An Advent of Sense

Thank you Allah for the life I've been given. Kind words to Jesus for being forgiven. Krishna is due much appreciation. Eternal thanksgiving for Brahma's creation. Much obliged to Yahweh for all that he's doing. And the storms of life that Jehovah is brewing. One time for Aslan and all of the stories. And many times for God and all of His glories.

Now I'm left feeling so ugly And I don't matter Because you don't love me. All I can feel is this hollow These are my words but I can't swallow Them down. What am I saying? I'm better than this But you took everything When you took my kiss. Now all that's here is a shadow of me I fell hard like a meteor into the sea. And I'll change my mind in about an hour I'll be so over you And I'll start to flower Again. I'll start to feel like a phoenix Rising up, charred But then it all clicks Again. It's a vicious circle. And I'm riding the revolutions like a wave.

Wallow through the wooden walkway Replace my radio and accessories to their rightful receptacles Allow myself an acceptable argument of advancing Do I dive into my desired deed or do the dull? Take a timid tap of tea from the tawny stovetop Glance at the glimmering gaunt of illegality Sip and steal another sight of secrecy Lament the lame liquid and laud the lovely life-changers Bind my brain to these books and become their best friends Choose a chance to check these charts and challenges Pieces of prose to put the pangs at peace Finally I finish my flirtation and find a fable Many a minute I make myself moony with these marvels Vivid vindications of la vie viral These are the things that thoroughly thwart thought How could hellions hide these helpers of humanity? Surely shame is shucked upon those charlatans Yet I will yield to them and yearn for my yellowing friends. I doubt that I will ever be free Without these dogs chasing me.

Easy breezy beautiful shell shock Lips whisper buried secrets but I don’t need them Louder voices scream empty laughter and gurgles of noise From walls that are blank and feed my mind Who was I once in the past? What is the fire that I recall searing my brain With thought and theory? Now all scorched by flames of oppression… Or is it?  Wait, is it?  What?  What?!?!  WHAT??? What was it. I can’t recall.  I don’t care.  I have my family. All I need, all I need, all I need… But where is Guy?  Pour myself another drink, shake, stir, clink of the ice cubes Listen to the voices in my ear like vespers of the ocean Sirens calling to me… All I need, all I need, all I need… Settle back down for another thoughtless voyage On the sea of ease. Easy breezy beautiful shell of me.

Come with me. Come with me and know the etchings in my skin. Come and know the depths of my soul, Where it begins and never ends. Come with me. Come with me and see the weathered look of my face Where tears have carved out canyons They rush down in a twisted race. Come with me. Come and feel the fever in my mind And the passions in my body. Leave all the lies behind And you shall surely know me. Find me out And tell me what you discover. Feelings are real because I’ve never felt another. Know me through, From the inside out. Give it time, and there will be no doubt That I’m forever yours. Surely, I’m forever yours. Truly, I’m forever yours. -2011

It was as if the sky was dying. It screamed and seethed and sounded. It ripped and roared and reared its ugly head. It tore and trembled and took its last deep breaths. It shook and shivered and shredded. It ranted and raved and resounded its final song. It quaked and quivered and quailed. It gashed and guttered and gave its sad farewell. It fumed and frothed and fought. And then, with a final rip, tear, and shake, The heavens slit open and bore A sun like no other With firmament mother For all of the world to adore. -4/26/2011

Two different thoughts form in two different corners of your mind.  One is realistic, a natural, perhaps pubescent thing, the other a forbidden fruit of chaos and immorality.  Both common, private things, but both utterly taboo.  You’re hit by the sudden distinctive thrill that no one knows your secret dreams.  Who has the right to predict your unspoken desires?  As the moon rises, your thoughts rush as quickly as the waves to the shore, ebbing away at the sand, retreating to the depths, but then surging once more.  Night approaches swiftly, and you know all is safe and protected.  Those dark cornered thoughts scream out in frustration at being isolated, yearning to be set free to merge.  With an abrupt loss of control, and yet willingly all the same, those demented longings careen forward from the desolate recesses of your mind in a wild frenzy, plummeting toward one another at the speed of light.  With a sharp intake of breath, a moan of ...

how could you let me fall in love with you? did you know all along how uneven we were? how i would pour out my soul to you and lay my heart on the ground and it wouldn't matter if you only blinked, cuz i thought i'd been found. you jumped in my life and you blessed it i had never felt alive before and now you're saying you've lost that feeling like all my words and my time had absolutely no meaning. it's no consolation that my friends love me. i'm no happier for my family's support. you will never do better than me, you dumb fuck. i thought i was the lucky one, but i've run out of luck.

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you who am i kidding. i love you so much. i could never tell you i hated you because i know that's the least true thing i could ever say. but still i hate  you for doing this. and yet i still love you more than i could ever hate anything you do or say. how could you do this to me? </3

what happened to the love? you say you don't know if you ever felt it. you had to have felt it, don't lie to me, I don't deserve that. so the whole time we were together and I was busy falling in love, what the fuck were you doing? I know I meant something to you I know I still do. and you want to tell me that lately, when you look at me, all you can think is "why don't I love her?" you don't even fucking deserve me, I know that. but to me, you were, will be, and are still so worth it. you are so worth it to me. then why... why don't you love me anymore?

So can you honestly tell me that you felt nothing? Well congratulations, now I am Nothing. How could you do that to me. Let me give my heart to you when you knew I would jump in headfirst and tear that organ out of my chest put it through a shredder or a meatgrinder... I want you to feel like shit. ...but I really don't. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want you to live a lie. And the crazy thing is that I don't want you to hurt Because I love you so much.