An Advent of Sense

We are merely shadows only walking figments We are just reflections of the refracted pigments. We are compositions of elemental patience Or maybe just hormonal joy and then frustration... And I'm having a hard time Reading your signs Love shouldn't be this hard for me to find. And I'm wishing I could read your mind. I'm a smart girl but I've got dumb luck sometimes. What if we are sculptures of paintings of sketches If we are saving graces from the amazing wretches. What if I'm an asteroid and you're an aligning planet Or maybe I'm a girl and you're really just a man, it's scary... That I'm having a hard time Reading your signs Love shouldn't be this hard for me to find. That I'm wishing I could read your mind. I'm a smart girl but I've got dumb luck sometimes.

A path, a path, and a path I see Extended now in front of me. And in many paces there lies a bend With a transparent start and an opaque end. Each is thick laden by nature's green hand And oppose in direction to promising land. The first is well-trod and ensures happy days But what is joy procured in such deviant ways? The next is straightforward and easy to see, But requires almost no effort from me. The third path is rocky and winds purposefully To cause me to ramble, then rise gracefully. So here I still myself in this yellow wood More than two paths now, where I could and I should. I breathe in the air of the crisp apple morn And inspire myself down the road not well-worn. December 7, 2012

Shake off the beads of perspiration that precipitate the clouds of my confusion... A confusion that is both sweet to bite and bitter to taste... One that consumes my body drop by drop... Till the dregs of my resistance are merely puddles flowing into an expanding river... A river that lustfully gives and receives according to the current... And currently I'm running the cycle, my whole body rolling top to bottom with the waves of it, my mind ebbing, my senses whirlpooling together... Plummeting to that unknown depth... Yet allowed to resurface for air.

The gentlemen, they dance in and out of my life and we step to and fro on the floor. I try to lead but they swing me aside and I clasp onto their hands for dear life. They dip me and swirl me till I can see no more. Then, dizzy I whirl I spin around and I crash. But then with apologies and promises of keeping time, they pick me up and lift me right back.

And then there were none. The chances all gone. To remind me of why I stayed here so long. Why have I lingered feeling empty inside? Its time to run on, and never to hide. I'm quietly searching for some place brand new, To make memories fresh like the dew. And now I'm fulfilled And its all thanks to you.

So afraid to let him know What I am too cautious to show Should I reveal what's on my mind I'm afraid what he might find Do I speak what's on my heart I need to stop but I want to start Too terrified to let him see How his touch is affecting me Usually so sure of myself But with him I'm someone else Near to him I'm a woman new Our eyes connect, I don't know what to do I have courage to move at my own pace And he understands that love is not a race We're journeying and enjoying the view Sturdy my heart and love him through and through Time together reminds me again That when two hearts race, both will win. (April 23, 2012)

Thank you Allah for the life I've been given. Kind words to Jesus for being forgiven. Krishna is due much appreciation. Eternal thanksgiving for Brahma's creation. Much obliged to Yahweh for all that he's doing. And the storms of life that Jehovah is brewing. One time for Aslan and all of the stories. And many times for God and all of His glories.

Now I'm left feeling so ugly And I don't matter Because you don't love me. All I can feel is this hollow These are my words but I can't swallow Them down. What am I saying? I'm better than this But you took everything When you took my kiss. Now all that's here is a shadow of me I fell hard like a meteor into the sea. And I'll change my mind in about an hour I'll be so over you And I'll start to flower Again. I'll start to feel like a phoenix Rising up, charred But then it all clicks Again. It's a vicious circle. And I'm riding the revolutions like a wave.

Wallow through the wooden walkway Replace my radio and accessories to their rightful receptacles Allow myself an acceptable argument of advancing Do I dive into my desired deed or do the dull? Take a timid tap of tea from the tawny stovetop Glance at the glimmering gaunt of illegality Sip and steal another sight of secrecy Lament the lame liquid and laud the lovely life-changers Bind my brain to these books and become their best friends Choose a chance to check these charts and challenges Pieces of prose to put the pangs at peace Finally I finish my flirtation and find a fable Many a minute I make myself moony with these marvels Vivid vindications of la vie viral These are the things that thoroughly thwart thought How could hellions hide these helpers of humanity? Surely shame is shucked upon those charlatans Yet I will yield to them and yearn for my yellowing friends. I doubt that I will ever be free Without these dogs chasing me.

Easy breezy beautiful shell shock Lips whisper buried secrets but I don’t need them Louder voices scream empty laughter and gurgles of noise From walls that are blank and feed my mind Who was I once in the past? What is the fire that I recall searing my brain With thought and theory? Now all scorched by flames of oppression… Or is it?  Wait, is it?  What?  What?!?!  WHAT??? What was it. I can’t recall.  I don’t care.  I have my family. All I need, all I need, all I need… But where is Guy?  Pour myself another drink, shake, stir, clink of the ice cubes Listen to the voices in my ear like vespers of the ocean Sirens calling to me… All I need, all I need, all I need… Settle back down for another thoughtless voyage On the sea of ease. Easy breezy beautiful shell of me.

Come with me. Come with me and know the etchings in my skin. Come and know the depths of my soul, Where it begins and never ends. Come with me. Come with me and see the weathered look of my face Where tears have carved out canyons They rush down in a twisted race. Come with me. Come and feel the fever in my mind And the passions in my body. Leave all the lies behind And you shall surely know me. Find me out And tell me what you discover. Feelings are real because I’ve never felt another. Know me through, From the inside out. Give it time, and there will be no doubt That I’m forever yours. Surely, I’m forever yours. Truly, I’m forever yours. -2011

It was as if the sky was dying. It screamed and seethed and sounded. It ripped and roared and reared its ugly head. It tore and trembled and took its last deep breaths. It shook and shivered and shredded. It ranted and raved and resounded its final song. It quaked and quivered and quailed. It gashed and guttered and gave its sad farewell. It fumed and frothed and fought. And then, with a final rip, tear, and shake, The heavens slit open and bore A sun like no other With firmament mother For all of the world to adore. -4/26/2011

Two different thoughts form in two different corners of your mind.  One is realistic, a natural, perhaps pubescent thing, the other a forbidden fruit of chaos and immorality.  Both common, private things, but both utterly taboo.  You’re hit by the sudden distinctive thrill that no one knows your secret dreams.  Who has the right to predict your unspoken desires?  As the moon rises, your thoughts rush as quickly as the waves to the shore, ebbing away at the sand, retreating to the depths, but then surging once more.  Night approaches swiftly, and you know all is safe and protected.  Those dark cornered thoughts scream out in frustration at being isolated, yearning to be set free to merge.  With an abrupt loss of control, and yet willingly all the same, those demented longings careen forward from the desolate recesses of your mind in a wild frenzy, plummeting toward one another at the speed of light.  With a sharp intake of breath, a moan of feral need, and a rush of mental wind, the v

how could you let me fall in love with you? did you know all along how uneven we were? how i would pour out my soul to you and lay my heart on the ground and it wouldn't matter if you only blinked, cuz i thought i'd been found. you jumped in my life and you blessed it i had never felt alive before and now you're saying you've lost that feeling like all my words and my time had absolutely no meaning. it's no consolation that my friends love me. i'm no happier for my family's support. you will never do better than me, you dumb fuck. i thought i was the lucky one, but i've run out of luck.

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you  i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you who am i kidding. i love you so much. i could never tell you i hated you because i know that's the least true thing i could ever say. but still i hate  you for doing this. and yet i still love you more than i could ever hate anything you do or say. how could you do this to me? </3

what happened to the love? you say you don't know if you ever felt it. you had to have felt it, don't lie to me, I don't deserve that. so the whole time we were together and I was busy falling in love, what the fuck were you doing? I know I meant something to you I know I still do. and you want to tell me that lately, when you look at me, all you can think is "why don't I love her?" you don't even fucking deserve me, I know that. but to me, you were, will be, and are still so worth it. you are so worth it to me. then why... why don't you love me anymore?

So can you honestly tell me that you felt nothing? Well congratulations, now I am Nothing. How could you do that to me. Let me give my heart to you when you knew I would jump in headfirst and tear that organ out of my chest put it through a shredder or a meatgrinder... I want you to feel like shit. ...but I really don't. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want you to live a lie. And the crazy thing is that I don't want you to hurt Because I love you so much.

I thought that it was him. The sweet syrup words that I wanted so desperately to coat my ears and fuel my heart. Just a morsel of verse to satiate the pangs and bites of famine. And when I ingested those honey phrases they filled my hopelessly horribly romantic being to the brim. But that was not near as filling as the cherry hue that made my face full when I realized that those confection affections were not of him, but of another. A sickly sweet ploy To make me love the boy. Instead, I hunger for his empty words. I thought that it was him. (June 3, 2012)

YOU. you are always watching, never wanting never speaking, always taunting and your presence, so completely daunting that I am at a loss for words. HA.  That's not true, cuz here I go rambling I have constitution, and feelings, yet I'm STILL preambling your stare is so destructive and shambling... Why can't I look away? If I were to choose, you would never be leaving but you frighten me so much that it's almost deceiving that I WANT  you so much, so I CAN'T stop believing that your complexity feeds my soul. (June 2, 2012)

Is it alright to not always know? The wondering hurts so badly That sometimes my body ripples And clenches with aches Trying to fight off the harrowing fear that circumstances may have changed. Absence makes the heart grow fonder Sure, but Distance makes the mind ponder. What if I have evolved so completely That my heart no longer burns? No, it can't be true That I am no longer wanted, Or want, or need, or feel, or love Him Who makes my world spin so quickly. (July 12, 2012)

Sweet music, from wells of my being Tenderness of my fingertips And hollows of my throat Tell out my humbled soul. Enable me, Master of mine, To emit only light and Rivers, Oceans, Streams, and Waves of sound. (June 20, 2012)

More oft than naught we are blind to the music of our eyes. When graced with sweetest song, we do not hear. Now, I know my melody preferred in thy heart lies. Lo, you're gone and my new attuned eyes sing tears. (June 20, 2012)

You are a first... for everything it seems. I look at you and finally I see. I touch you But only now do I feel. I thought I had A knack for listening Now I know You speak and I hear. And if I catch that fragrance of you I'm aware that I never smelled a man before. Oh My God. When I taste you... My heart is full But I'm hungry for more. I must have been dead For I feel my senses come alive when I'm near to you... And when with you... I've never wanted  needed anyone more. (April 16, 2012)

What is this Feeling I can't even Speak For lack of words... Mouth waters Toes curl Back arches Lips part I ache for him Because I want him. (April 16, 2012)

Stay true, love. Stay the course of my heart. You're not always given what you feel you need. Promises, promises... Someday you will receive it. And when I try your nerves and you want to see less of me (though secretly more!), Remember the feelings I evoked in you. the laughter the happiness the love Someday you will realize Simply what you need All other needs simply secondary. My love Will be the only thing you need. Stay, Promise, Remember, Realize My Love. (January 5, 2011)

I want to write the words and sing the songs that will make a change in your heart. I want to be the one that you think fondly of when you gaze up at the stars. I want to be your inspiration the force behind your soul and hands. I want you to listen, respect, and honor all my secret, hidden plans. I want your body to sizzle with the anticipation of seeing me. I want everything around us to change, but always leave us be. But more than I want to write, to be, to inspire, or to woo. More than anything in my heart More than anything I want you. (January 5, 2011)

Sometimes I see your smile And I wonder if you know how beautiful it is. How can the whole room not light up? Maybe it's just the corner I'm in. How can one expression be so inspiring that all I can do is stop and stare? And I swear I'd do almost anything If I was the one to make it happen once more. It's just like that hopeful moment Right before the sun rises. A few strokes of blended light And then an expression of color and dimension. With your smile you stop shows, wars, and hearts. Or maybe just mine? One last request, o sunshine man Smile one more time. : ) (December 14, 2010)

So many I've gone through So many have pleased. But those I was pleased by were not pleased by me. So many I've longed for So many have smiled But I think I have a heart like of a child. So many have spoken So many can see But they are all blind for not wanting me. So many have looked So many have heard But are deaf to the language of love sick words. So many I've dreamt of So many I've teased But again, so many, it seems, are not pleased. Perhaps not many I should be looking for But perhaps just one, to love and adore. (December 14, 2010)

she's black he's white over there they're brown. why is this an issue living in a one-horse town? we are not different races but it's difficult to see a race is a competition that's not what life should be. when you're called a bland color it's easy to take offense so we should brighten up these words let the re-naming commence! she's midnight raven he's snowy dove over there they're oaken partridge too. our colorful, beautiful rainbow of life should take flight with the birds of hue! (December 13, 2010)

Greet AHOY to the legacy Set sail to the cloudless expanse of sea Where songs float like birds and wild dreams run And weary sailors find comfort in the sun. As the nights roll by and the days roar on The sea tosses and turns with vicious moan Repenting not for the lives it takes But, as seapeople know, high are the stakes When the call of the ripples echo in your mind... Take to the sea and leave all behind! (December 13, 2010)

Why doesn't he see? Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he notice that I'm always there? All the memories it seems That I'm trying to push behind the scenes. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind That the girl he'd been trying to find Was the one with laughter in her eyes. Couldn't tell if he was friend-flirting Now I know from the heart hurting. And I will never be able to cry Because with tears in my eyes I won't be able to see his Blue as the skies. And though....he still doesn't know. : ( (November 4, 2008)

A burning heart sears encased in a burning shell Scorched from the flames of the fiery pits of hell. For surely it is hell to be in unrequited love, Though surely the one with whom your affections lie is from above. For truly I tell you, it seemed my heart had stopped, that I had died When he stared at me and the cold flames of his heart replied, "Nay, I do not love thee, nor I have, nor I will." My rejected heart and I, ever-searing still. January 24, 2009

See the rugged photo on the sill, What lies beyond the gleaming faces still? A picture is a pose, how can it be proof? From a frozen smile can you draw the truth? What secret and what tale is hidden far beneath? Horrifying wonder, malicious love, perhaps anxious relief? Is there trickery to detect in the eyes? Do they reflect a plethora of lies? Or are they as they seem to be, Showing no trace of misery? How to decipher what broods behind The picture perfect frame of mind. (December 21, 2009)

The emptiness drowns me. Isn't that funny? How something with nothing Could be so overwhelming. When you're surrounded by Nothing Nothing but Nothing matters. It's almost as if Nothing is important. And when nothing surrounds you And swallows you whole, Emptiness takes over To fill up that hole. It's almost as if Emptiness is the filler. (August 4, 2009)